Strangers Being Nosy, Yet Again - Miss Manners (2024)

Since he was an infant, complete strangers have approached me to ask how we are related, with no prior conversation or interaction. The question is, invariably, "Hi, is that your grandson?"

Most of the time, I say with a straight face and in a monotone, "No, he is my son." But I resent having to explain to complete strangers how I am related to the child I am with.

Since when is it OK to be this forward with complete strangers? I don't understand why they care. Is there a better way to communicate that their question is rude and intrusive, as well as not provide them with the requested information?

GENTLE READER: "Sorry -- I'm teaching him not to talk to strangers. I'm sure you understand how important that is these days."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my biggest pet peeves is when I'm using a public restroom and someone comes in while having a conversation on their phone -- sometimes even on speakerphone -- while we're doing our business.

It always makes me so uncomfortable because I don't want to be broadcast to the other person's friend. Is there a way to politely ask them to save the conversation for later, or should I just mind my business?

GENTLE READER: No matter how many times Miss Manners pleads to be spared bathroom problems, they keep on coming.

All right. Your noises are unlikely to be picked up on speakerphone. But if you are still fussed, you can call out, as if issuing a friendly warning about privacy, "We can hear you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a middle-aged man, and I live in a fairly traditional area. Thus, when holding doors for women, I have never been rebuffed. However, awkwardness occurs when a lady holds the door for me -- particularly at work, with a locked door you need to swipe a card to access.

I am not above simply entering and saying "Thank you" -- there is no imagined slight at my masculinity. However, I do feel the urge to hold the door, and have many times offered to swap places with the lady. I do so with an inviting, open-palmed hand motion and a "please."

How should I gracefully swap holding the door? If I hold the door with my body on the inside, it leads to an uncomfortable proximity as she enters. I am tall, but if I reach over the women, it seems rude. If there is not room enough on the outside to pivot behind and pick up the slack, the door will shut on them.

Should I just enter with a warm "Thank you"?

GENTLE READER: Yes. If you keep dancing around like that, everyone is going to be late to work.

Miss Manners is relieved that neither you nor the ladies to whom you defer see this as a political issue. "Ladies first" is an anachronistic, but still charming, social custom. She trusts that you would hold the door for anyone else coming after you.

But in a work context, you should not be making a conspicuous show of gender differences.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband never dresses appropriately for events. When our kids graduated from high school, he wore jeans. Out to a nice dinner with friends: jeans. Anniversary dates -- yup, you guessed it: jeans.

They aren't even nice, dressier jeans, but distressed, dirty and obviously old. The strange thing is that he buys a lot of nice dress clothes, but he never wears them.

I feel so out of place every time I have to take a picture with him on these occasions, because everyone else looks nice and he has on jeans. I've even suggested he wear khakis when the dress code is business casual, but he sticks with jeans.

I understand they are comfortable, but I feel embarrassed to be seen with him because he refuses to adhere to the dress code.

GENTLE READER: Like many people, your husband thinks of dressing as something he does purely for himself. There are the "I only dress for comfort" people, of whom he seems to be one, and the "I dress to express myself" people.

This is all well and good, as far as it goes. But clothing also serves as a symbolic system that people use subliminally. Everyone, even he, is reading meaning into how other people dress. Consider: Why do even the most outlandish celebrities dress soberly when they are on trial? Because their expensive lawyers explain that the judge will interpret serious dress as respect for the law, and that juries would feel that someone who defies dress codes might also be capable of defying the law.

You might explain that dressing informally on a formal occasion is interpreted as a lack of respect. For that matter, the reverse is also true: It would be offensive if you showed up at a picnic in a fancy dress, for example.

Miss Manners wishes you luck in getting him to understand. Most people do not admit that they interpret clothing symbolically. "How awful, to judge something so superficial!" they will say. Yet they do it all the same.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was watching a Cary Grant movie the other day called "Talk of the Town," and one character is a law professor who's convalescing and writing a book. A woman is taking care of him, I think at her home.

One day, the professor is eating soup. I don't think I've ever seen a soup spoon like the one he used: It was oval, not round, and very big -- like a serving spoon or slightly bigger.

In the movie, he is a proper kind of fellow, and the woman taking care of him does things properly, as well. Can you tell me what kind of spoon this was?

GENTLE READER: A soup spoon. They were very large. And Miss Manners prefers that to the idea that Mr. Grant -- or was it Mr. Ronald Colman? -- picked up the serving spoon by mistake.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband works from home, and a colleague does not. Colleague sometimes texts my husband that there is a product or mail for him at the office, and kindly offers to drop it by our home. My husband accepts and is very appreciative.

The drop-off generally occurs on a weekend, early in the day, when I am either in bed or lounging about the house in robe and slippers. Because we moved during the pandemic, our house is "new" to Colleague, so this morning, my husband elected to give him a tour. The tour did not include the bedroom where I sat in pajamas responding to email.

I like Colleague a lot, but am accustomed to meeting him only when "ready to greet the world." I felt it rude not to make an appearance, so I robed myself and popped out to say hello, nothing more. The men went on chatting for half an hour or so about our new home, the work to be done, etc., and I scampered away.

I do not want to be either rude or inattentive in these situations. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Since it was based on showing off a new home, this problem presumably will not be recurring. But Miss Manners assures you that the impromptu and work-based visit did not require your presence, and that your behavior was sufficiently cordial.

If Colleague is planning on being privy to any future remodeling, however, perhaps your husband can give you some advance warning -- so that you do not again get caught in your pajamas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been close friends with someone for over 18 years. He and his wife even had their children refer to me as "uncle."

Several years ago, they moved to a large city far away. We stayed in touch as best we could. They would stop by when visiting his parents, who still lived in our town.

I retired three years ago and moved back to the town I grew up in. I tried to stay in touch with my friend, but he's grown increasingly distant. I recently texted him and told him that my last brother had passed, and it was a sad time for me. His response was, "That's really tough, bro."

He showed almost no empathy. I've not heard from him or his wife since that day, which was many months ago.

Would it be rude to ask if I've done or said something that deeply offended them to the point that they decided to end our friendship?

GENTLE READER: Not at all. Etiquette thrives in subtly criticizing someone else's behavior by graciously blaming it on oneself.

Of course, if your friend responds that nothing is wrong, you may be forced to call him out on his callousness. But even that can be done tactfully: "Oh. I was just hoping to catch up and perhaps talk more about my brother. And of course, I want to hear about you."

The second statement may determine, Miss Manners is afraid, whether or not its previous absence was the cause of the distance between you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)